Seven secrets for a successful marriage

Everyone knows that communication, forbearance and respect are important in a relationship – they're important in a bus queue – but there are some things about marriage you learn only in the second decade. These seven dos and don't-bothers may help.

1 Go to bed angry if you want to. It has often been said that a couple should never let the sun set on an argument, but this is a bit unrealistic. Some arguments are, by their nature, two-day events: too much is at stake to set an arbitrary bedtime deadline. Faced with a stark choice between closure and a night's sleep, you're better off with the latter in almost every case. I've gone to bed angry loads of times, with no particular deleterious effects. You don't actually stay angry. It's a bit like going to bed drunk; you wake up feeling completely different, if not better.

2 Marriages and other long-term relationships have a significant public element. Like an iceberg, the bulk of a marriage is hidden from view, but the top bit, the bit that you take out to parties and show off, should appear exemplary to outsiders: charming without
being cloying; happy without being giddy; entertainingly spiky, but also mutually respectful. Above all, the whole thing should look effortless. Everybody knows marriage is hard; no one wants to watch you do the work. I'm not saying that faking it in public is the key to marital success, but if you get this front-of-house stuff wrong, it will eventually have an impact on your actual relationship.

3 Don't make the time you spend together too special. Spending time together is important, but it shouldn't feel important, otherwise it creates undue pressure to enjoy yourselves. You don't have to go on a mini-break or light candles every time. Doing normal, everyday things as a couple counts as relationship maintenance, much in the same way that hoovering counts as exercise. Walking the dog counts. Eating breakfast together counts. Wandering aimlessly through a deserted shopping precinct together counts. Watching TV together doesn't count, unfortunately, although I'm currently appealing this.

4 When it comes to questions such as "How do I look in this?" "Do sideburns suit me?" "Are these trousers all right?" and "Do you like my new hair cut?" everyone, male or female, appreciates something that sounds like an honest answer. This is not necessarily the same as an honest answer.

5 Don't go out on Valentine's Day. As far as relationships go, 14 February is amateur night, and you have nothing to prove. Book a table for the 13th instead; you'll have the restaurant to yourselves.

6 Naturally there is a lot of disagreement in a partnership, but make certain you're on the same side when battling outside forces: money; unfeeling authority; intractable bureaucracy; strangers who have parked stupidly. Mindless solidarity is vital under these circumstances – fight side by side, or run away together giggling, but don't be divided. Occasionally this them-against-us attitude can lead to couples sinking into criminal behaviour – think Bonnie and Clyde, or the Canoe Man and his Mrs – but even that can be very cementing, and I'm not a cop.

7 Every partnership is unique: you should not feel the need to judge the success of yours in comparison to other relationships you see out there. For the most part, whatever you do to make it work between you is fine, even if no one else seems to handle things in quite the same way. You're even entitled to cherish your relationship's quirks and odd accommodations – just don't mention them to any psychologists you find yourself sitting next to at dinner.